Financial Jokes

Financial jokes may only be a part of this page when it gets totally filled out because I could also add jokes about politics as well. After all, our politicians have been the leaders in getting us into the mess we are in anyway.

I know that we citizens are not blameless in this whole process, but the politicians have taken the game to a whole new level. Money jokes and jokes about the economy flow freely at comedy clubs and the stand-up commedians are having a field day.

Therefore, I decided that it was time to start a page dedicated to financial jokes as I believe that this mess is going to continue on for years to come and therefore there should be plenty of laughter to come. (What a mess!)

Anyway, I've started this financial jokes page off with some funny business/stock market definitions that I thought were quite good. (I wish I knew where they came from so I could give somebody credit for them, but I don't.)

I've followed that up with some Jay Leno quotes which are quite good.

Enjoy them.

New Business/Stock Market Terms

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance and the wife gets no jewellery.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD AND POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling your shares to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought some stocks at $240 per share that now is worth $20!

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

MONEY LAUNDERING - what the Government does with your money after you pay your taxes.

Jay Leno On The Economy

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. It's called the stock market!

2. The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker is that the pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW!

3. The problem with an investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left!

4. I want to warn people from Nigeria right now. If you get any e-mail from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it!

5. The president was asked about the credit crunch the other day. He said it was his favourite candy bar!

6. The difference between a balanced budget and a deficit is...a printing press!