Groaners are mostly one-liners that you either like or don't like instantly. However, some of them are quite long as you will see if you read down the page.

Sometimes you have to think about these kinds of jokes before you "get" it. Other times, they are so bad and so simple that you just want to groan at it. (That's OK. You can do that here too.)

By the way, if you like "Thinkers Jokes" be sure to visit my Thinkers Jokes page before you leave this site. (They're similar to Groaners but in comic format.) Also, if you've got a favorite groaner of your own, then send it to me using the form at the bottom of the page and if I like it, I'll add it to the site and give you credit for it. (I may put it on another page however as this page is getting pretty long!)



A Couple Of Quick Thoughts

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

I had my patience tested recently. I'm negative!

First, Funny Book Authors

"Home Maintenance" Duane Pipe
"Growing up in the Balkans" Hugo Slavia
"Irish Winter Tales" Pete Moss
"Increase Your Brain Power" Sarah Bellum
"Looking Into the Wishing Well" Eileen Dover
"How to Write a Mystery Novel" Page Turner
"Winning Big" Jack Potts
"Vacation Spot in the Tropics" Sandy Beech
"I Always Enjoy the Darkness" Gladys Knight

Then, some regular "Groaners"

Most weight lifters are biceptual!

The moonshine artist excelled at "still life"!

It started to rain and Noah said, "Now I herd everything!"

A woman in ancient Rome enters a bar, holds up two fingers and orders five beers!

I attended a really emotional wedding - even the cake was in tiers.

I'd like to get a job cleaning mirrors - it's something I can really see myself doing.

A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn't.

"My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He prescribed a strong placebo, but I don't think it's working."

"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up."

A tax collector went to a tannery. "Why haven't you paid your taxes?" the collector asked the owner of the tannery. "Business has been very bad," answered the tanner. "Do you mind if I check around the place?" asked the tax man. "Go ahead," invited the owner. "You'll see I have nothing to hide."

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance...she leaned over and pushed me!

"Jim, why is that sheep purple?" "Because I herded it through the grapevine!"

What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight? Sir Render!

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has traveled the world, tried swimming with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountains. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

An auto club tow truck stopped beside me at a street light today and the driver was sobbing uncontrollably. I thought to myself, "that guy's headed for a breakdown!"

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine!

My dad worked repairing roads for the city for twenty years before he got fired for stealing!
At first I didn't believe it...but when I got home all the signs were there!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive!

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, do they barium?

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

In which battle did Napoleon die? His last battle.

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom of the page.

The Talahatchie River flows in which state? Liquid.

What is the main reason for divorce? Marriage.

What can you never eat for breakfast? Lunch and Dinner.

What looks like half an apple? The other half.

If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become? It will become wet.

How can you lift an elephant with one hand? You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.

How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack!

Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers? It's called On and On Anon.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away!)

She was engaged to a man with a wooden leg, but broke it off!

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A Local Area Network in Australia is a LAN down under!

Every calendar's days are numbered.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My friend just hired an Eastern European cleaner. It took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak!

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit!

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery!

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

A backward poet writes inverse.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

Why are Cheetahs on the endangered species list? Because Cheetahs never prosper!

Here Are Few Groaners From Kiddo In Florida

I still remember the day I gave up soft drinks.  It was soda pressing....

My wife and I took a trip around Florida a few months back. Before leaving Jacksonville we programmed our new GPS for Sea World in Orlando. Just 5 minutes into the trip we neared the Jacksonville Zoo exit and the voice on the GPS said, "Bear Left Ahead". Wow. This thing is good....

Don Benito, the Spanish pirate, had acquired a mongrel that had been taught to bark once for "si" and twice for "no". Benito was captured by the British and the dog became the property of the conquering Captain, who taught it the same trick in English. The dog thus became the world's first "Si" and "Aye" dog....

My wife and I went to a Polynesian restaurant last night. The food was delicious but I found it unsatisfying. An hour after we ate I wanted Samoa....

Two Brooms

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. 
The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. 
The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little broom!'
'Impossible!' said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together!'

And the best man says: "Sounds to me like she's been sweeping around!"

The Girl At The Beach

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.   One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day..  She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off..   But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?'   He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach.  Then we can find out what she's really doing.'

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave...   The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly.  'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

'Well, what is it then?  What does she do?' his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'

'Batteries?' cried the wife.

'Yes!' he replied.

'She Sells C Cells down by the Seashore!'

Tired Of Groaners? Want To Look at Some Puns Or Return To Joke Central?

  • Fun Jokes

    Here are all my fun jokes in one spot, so you can find them easily.

  • Punny Puns

    A collection of punny puns for you to contemplate.

If Not, Here Are More Groaners. This One's About Halloween.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night... when behind him he hears: Bump... BUMP... BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP... BUMP...  BUMP... 

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him  FASTER... FASTER...  

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping, clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...on his heels.

The terrified man runs upstairs to the bathroom and locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door... Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket... and...

the coffin stops!

Dead Penguins

Either You Love Them Or You Hate Them!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin isvery committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the nearby snow, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow. Freeze a jolly good fellow."
You really didn't believe I know anything about penguins, did you?
(Sorry, I fell for it too!)

Horsemeat Scandal Groaners

Not long ago there was a bit of a scandal in England when one of their fast food retailers owned by a company called Tesco, was caught selling "hamburgers" that contained 30% horse meat. Here are some groaners that sprouted from that mess.

I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse...I guess Tesco just listened.
Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?
Had some burgers from Tesco last night...I still have a bit between my teeth.
A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable!
To beef or not to beef. That is equestrian.
I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.

The Bag Boy

This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years.
One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is really excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.
The manager says no.
The bagger says, "But I've been working here for five years. Why can't I run the juice machines?"
The manager answers, "I'm sorry, son, but baggers can't be juicers."

The New Son-In-Law

A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane. The daughter had just come back from a tropical island where she was trying to find love and adventure.
As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her. He was dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and was carrying a shrunken head.
The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.
The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, "I said for you to marry a RICH doctor!"

The Lone Ranger And Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,"Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know - you left your Injun running!

The Potato Family

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner - Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."
"And what might that be?" asked Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.
"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!"
The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, eldest daughter?"
"I'm marrying a Russet!"
"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother? I, too, have an announcement."
"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.
Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"
"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, middle daughter?"
"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.
"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make."
"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"
"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, youngest daughter?"
"I'm marrying Dan Rather!"
"DAN RATHER?" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"

The Graveyard

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music.
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827". Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says.
"He's decomposing!"

New Flavor?

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm famished," said the first one.
"Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice piece of plowed land with lots of fresh worms. They ate, and ate, and ate 'till they could eat no more. "I'm so full, I don't think I can fly up to the tree," said the first.
"Me, either. Let's just lie here in the warm sun," said the first one.
No sooner had they had fallen asleep when a big fat tomcat attacked and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love Baskin' Robins." 

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The Stagecoach

I had a dream the other night. I was in the Old West riding in a stagecoach.
Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulled up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulled up on the right.
The man leaned down, pulled open the door, and jumped off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opened the other door and jumped onto the other horse.
Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?"
He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."


A blonde decided to have twelve clones made of herself at a clinic. When she went there, she found it was a bleak brick house without any windows.
When she asked the clone arranger why there were no windows, she was told that, "people in glass houses shouldn't grow clones!"
When the clones were growing up, she was never be allowed to take them out for a walk on her visits because she was told, "you'll never walk a clone."
What disturbed her the most was that every time she would visit them, they all would be yelling at the top of their lungs. When she asked why they yelled so much, she was told that this was to be expected, as she had ordered a dozen I-scream clones! 

Chinatown Laundry

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs, and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?" he muses. "How in the world does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, What your name?"
"He say, Hans Olaffsen."
"Then she look at me and go, What your name?"
"I say, Sem Ting." 

Two Prawns

Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea, two prawns were swimming around. One was called Justin and the other, Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod suddenly appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted.'
Lo and behold, Justin instantly turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin began to realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. So, while swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn!
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark,' came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, fond memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark and the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed...'
(You're going to love this................................)

'I've found Cod.

Now I'm a Prawn again Christian!' 

The Brothel

After a visit to a "house of ill repute", a man notices green lumps on his willy, so he goes to the doctor.
"That's serious" says the doctor. "You've heard that some wrestlers get cauliflower ears?"
"Yes" says the man seriously.
"Well" says the doctor "You've got brothel sprouts."

The Buddhist Monk

A pizza delivery man hands a monk a pizza. The monk then pays for it with a $20 bill.
As the delivery man starts to walk away, the Buddhist then says, Where's my change?"
The delivery man replies, "Change comes from within."

The Mountain Climber

Johann Strauss was an avid mountain climber who once waltzed himself into deep trouble. He lost his footing and found himself hanging by his fingertips over a bottomless gorge.
Another climber heroically came to his rescue and just managed to grab Johann by a strap of his liederhosen to save the Maestro's life.
Since then, the act of trying to get out of a seemingly hopeless situation has come to be known as grasping at Strauss!

The Bill Collector

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor and asked the woman who answered the door, "Is Fred home?"
"Sorry, Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the bill collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir. I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?"
"No, Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and check the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with the inscription, "Gone, But Not for Cotton."

We're Being Followed!

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him.
She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe. So, she had an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her own two kids anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.
Finally she said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."
The little girl said, "Well, who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy."
"Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?"
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"


Botanist Roy Noble had always dreamt of ending world hunger. After years of research, his hard work paid off. He developed a strain of peas that would grow virtually anywhere.
It grew fast, kept long without spoiling, and was more nutritious than even soybeans. He was an instant hero,world wide.
There were awards and parades, and naturally the new strain of peas was named Noble.
After enjoying the fame and fortune for a while, Roy decided he wanted to do more, so he established a fund to award a monetary prize each year to botanists and horticulturists who were making significant contributions to their fields.
Thus was born the famous Noble Peas Prize.

Dead Crows

The Government found about 200 dead crows near a major city last fall, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
They hired a Bird Pathologist to examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed that the test results showed it was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.
The province then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine why there was a disproportionate percentage for truck versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order.
He concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could warn the other crows by saying "Caw! Caw!", but the crow could not say "Truck!"

The Man Who Would Be Pope

Jorge Mario Bergoglio was not the Cardinals’ first choice to be the new pope, and to become Pope Francis. Their first choice was, interestingly, Cardinal Hans Grapje.

Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting bombers until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.

After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders felt that he should never ascend to the Papacy. They felt that the Church would never accept...
...a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader

Endangered Species

An exciting new development in marine biology promised to extend the lifespan of an endangered species of porpoise. In fact, the data suggested that if a specific kind of African seagull, freshly out of the egg, was fed to the porpoises every day without fail, they would actually live forever!

The big challenge was to gather this food supply, this equivalent of chicken dinners for oceanic mammals, on a regular basis. There were many problems, including the fact that it could be dangerous, as these seagulls were found near water holes where all sorts of large game animals congregated.

But this was an important ecological breakthrough, so teams were sent out right away. They worked diligently to supply the necessary small fowl.

One afternoon, an intrepid gull-gatherer on his way back to base from the water hole encountered a pride of lions taking their afternoon nap.

As they were blocking his way, and his day's catch of seagull hatchlings was needed right away, he carefully stepped over the lions that were directly in his path.

That spelled the end of the experiment. The porpoises, deprived of their special diet, not only did not live forever, but they also became extinct.

That was because an alert game control officer had spotted the team member, arrested him, confiscated his equipment and baggage, and charged him with...
transporting young gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

And Finally...

The Ultimate Ethnic Groaner

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including an Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, walk into a very fine restaurant.

After scrutinizing the group, the Maitre D says, "I'm can't come in here without a Thai."

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Please note that the "What's New?" section below is updated whenever something I think is funny comes along, therefore some of these "New" blogs further down the page may already have been replaced by the time you click on them!

What's New?

  1. Most Recent Joke

    Mar 04, 24 12:00 AM

    Check out the latest smile here!

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  2. Funny Quotes

    Dec 15, 23 07:20 PM

    This page consists of funny quotes that somebody else said while I wish it had been me!

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  3. Don't Worry - Be Happy

    Mar 03, 23 12:00 AM

    Need a "pick-me-up"? Here's a singalong song that you can easily participate in. Join me in the video as the words are included. It'll be the second song on the page

    Read More

  4. Tom Dooley

    Jul 09, 22 12:00 AM

    Got bored and decided to redo this song with a different presentation. Have a look if you're curious. (You can sing along with it as well!)

    Read More

  5. Going Way Back In Rock And Roll - Dede Dinah

    Oct 24, 21 12:00 AM

    Here's an oldie for you that was done originally by Frankie Avalon (before he met Anette)! Sing along if you want.

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