I wish I'd thought of these funny quotes first and sent them off to be recorded in the history books. But I didn't! However, I've collected some good ones and placed them on this page, so you can enjoy them anyway.
Of course, any time that you think somethings funny and you repeat it for somebody else, you run the risk of the other person not thinking it's funny at all! (I'm not saying that some people have NO SENSE OF HUMOR, it's just that they see life differently from you.) So, you'll probably think some of these quotes are not funny but I've included them on this page because I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU STAND - ON THE HUMOR SCALE!
Suck it up and pick the ones you like and ignore the rest!
Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone call and check on me every day. He is from India and is very concerned about how much interest my bank is paying me!
I choked on a carrot this morning, and all I could think of was, "I'll bet a doughnut wouldn't have done this to me!"
Nothing spoils a good story more than the arrival of an eyewitness. (Mark Twain)
I finally realize why I look so bad in pictures. It's my face.
It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I'm a nice person.
Sorry that I'm late. I got here as soon as I wanted to!
It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you're supposed to pick out one of your own. I know that
It's fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take one bite of rotisserie chicken and it's all, "Sir,
you need to leave!"
One thing no one ever talks about, when it comes to being an older adult, is how much time we devote to keeping a
cardboard box because it is, you know, a really good box.
I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's seven years in a row now!
If you drop something when you were younger, you just picked it up. When you're older and you drop something, you stare
at it for just a bit contemplating if you actually need it anymore.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter, and then guess what's on the list when
I am at the store.
My kids say they want a cat for Christmas. Normally I serve turkey, but, hey, if it will make them happy.....
Ask your doctor if a drug with 32 pages of side-effects is bad for you.
I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I just read a book about marriage that says treat your wife like you treated her on your first date. So tonight after
dinner I'm dropping her off at her parent's house!
I love bacon. Sometimes I eat it twice a day. It takes my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep getting.
Driver: "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer, "Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a
I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches. He said, "I'll see," & walked away. I asked another
& he also said, "I'll see," & walked away. In the end, I gave up & found them myself, in aisle C.
I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places!
When I was a kid, I used to watch the "Wizard of Oz" and wondered how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain?
Then I got Facebook.
A guy walks into a lumberyard and asks for some 2x4s. The clerk asks, "How long do you need them?" The guy answers, "A
long time. We're gonna build a house."
Who knew that the hardest thing of being an adult is figuring out what to fix for dinner and doing it every single night for the rest of your life until you die?
I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they've never even seen one of his paintings!
Never trust an electrician with no eye brows.
So my neighbor knocked on my front door at 3 am. 3AM!!! Luckily I was already up playing the bagpipes.
Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of "The Hoarders," and think, "Wow! My house looks great."
Well, there you have my choice of funny quotes. Hope some of them brought a smile to your face. There aren't enough things to smile at these days.
If you want to head back to Joke Central and look for other forms of humor I've collected on this site, then CLICK HERE!