Golf Jokes

I've seen so many golf jokes over the years that I finally decided to just dedicate a page to them. They probably won't make you start rolling on the floor but most will at least get you to smile.

Now here's the good thing. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A GOLFER TO ENJOY THESE. Granted, you may have to know a little bit about the game but you should still enjoy them even if you're not out on the course every chance you get.

And if you are a golfer, then you may have heard some of the golf jokes before. After all, when you spend 3 or 4 hours walking around a course with your pals and a few hours after the game having a drink or two with them, a joke or two might get shared!

However, new golf jokes do appear once in a while and when they do, I'll add them to this page and if you're on my RSS list (see off to the left) then you'll automatically receive them when I get them. (Be the first in your foresome to relate the latest chuckle.)

So, here they are.

Enjoy them.

Cheers,

Darry

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. (And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks!)

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul it again.'

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers...neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex...

#10...A below par performance is considered damn good!

#09...You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#08...It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#07...Foursomes are encouraged.

#06...You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#05...Three times a day is possible.

#04...Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

#03...If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.

#02...You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex...

#01...When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

Golf Quotes

(I don't know where these came from but they're food for thought.)

"That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it if it was wrapped in bacon."

"I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn't be here for this tournament. He is attending the birth of his next wife."

Jim Furyk's swing - "It looks like an octopus falling out of a tree."

A Golf Love Story

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and r esponded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added,"You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball!"

(And they say love is blind!)

The Wife's Heart Attack

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

Phil Mickelson

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course.

What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

Golf And The Priest

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."

Murder?

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five!"

This Golfer Has No Enemies

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied.

The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all the sons of bitches."

Well, there you have them, I'll add more golf jokes as I get them (if I think they are really funny).